The challenges of working with parents are greatly compounded by their inability to follow even the simplest directions. When I want them to go one way they invariably go the other. I had almost accepted this as insurmountable until a recent development opened up the possibility of change. I have discovered that if I grab the parents by the fingers I can drag them anywhere in the house. The key is to lean your weight forward and tug. Every time you gain an inch, plant your feet and repeat the process. In no time you'll have pulled the parents to any room, no conversation required.

One important thing to note is that this process can be done in steps. For example, if I want to go to my toys, I can drag a parent over to the toy, release them, grab the toy, and then resume leading the parent to another room. If your parent loses focus and begins to wander away, whine and grab its leg. That works every time.

I'm starting to fear all my time with the parents is having an effect on me. I know, how could someone like me ever be influenced by the likes of them? Still I wonder...

Sometimes I swear they can communicate. Mostly they just babble after their normal fashion, but there are moments when one of them will make noises and the other will perform an action, or one parent will point at something and make the same noise over and over. Odder still, they make those same noises later and act as if I should understand. Worse than that, sometimes I almost think I can. It's as if they're trying to talk. Am I sinking to their level?

Hello my adoring public. I haven't said much recently, but there's a good reason. You know that I always try to keep things positive, and the truth is there's been little positive happening with the parents lately. I feel like they're regressing instead of progressing.

I've been quite busy over the past month. Being naturally industrious, I have started collecting treasures around the house. This duty falls to me because the parents are, simply put, terrible at such things. Not only are they very poor observers, but their eyes are so ridiculously far from the floor that they couldn't possibly hope to see anything of value. Realizing their frailty, I have taken it upon myself.

I try to be generous and share some of what I find, but the parents are becoming increasingly vexing. It seems as though every time I find some new treasure, a parent swoops in and steals it. They don't even ask. They just grab it away. If I try to keep it for myself, they actually physically pry it from my hands. And then they act as though somehow I'm the one being bad.

I don't know where I went wrong with them.

I've heard a theory that parents can learn sign language. In fact, that it's easier for them than spoken words. Seeing as I've had almost no luck teaching them to speak or understand proper words, I decided to give it a shot.

The trickiest part, so far, has been deciding what signs to teach them. I need to cover all the important concepts, but the parents aren't smart enough to handle many new things at once. I decided to start with a few simple signs that even a parent should comprehend.

One concept the parents have trouble with is knowing when I'm summoning them. To address this deficiency I created a simple gesture where I extend one hand and turn it so the palm is upward. I've been combining this with words as well, in the hopes they'll get the connection, and also because sometimes they aren't looking at me, if you can imagine such a thing. If they do not respond immediately, I open and close my fingers to indicate urgency.

Once they have been summoned, I need to convey additional information. For example, if they are to pick me up, I will extend both hands upwards. They're a bit slow on this one, so I am often forced to grab their hands and pull before they get the message. Still, I think they're making progress.

If I require food, I make an opening and closing motion with my mouth. Conveniently enough, this makes a popping noise which can be useful for getting the parents' attention, though it occasionally inspires them to mimic the sign. It can be hard to get them focused again after that.

If I want a toy that is out of my reach, I make a sign by extending my hand towards it and making a gripping motion. The parents are still a bit slow on this, and I am often reduced to getting the toy for myself. Even when they do notice the sign, they have a bad habit of retrieving the wrong toy. I have created a sign for this as well, where I place the toy in my hand and then wave my arm back and forth rapidly, releasing the toy at some point. Then I have to start from the beginning.

The final sign I've been trying to teach the parents is when I wish to be placed in my crib. At first I tried placing the back of my hand to my eyelids, but I think that was too subtle for them. Recently I've taken to adding an additional sign that they cannot ignore. I will extend both arms to the side and wave them rapidly all around. Time will tell if that's still too subtle.

Have any of you babies out there tried sign-language with your parents? What signs did you use, and how successful were your parents at picking them up?

I went to a party today with the parents. Normally the only place we go during the day is the store, so it was a nice change of pace. Mommy and Daddy dressed up in funny clothes. Daddy tied a big tag around his neck for me to pull. I think he should wear it more often. They put funny clothes on me too. I guess we're bonding.

I'm glad that the parents are socializing, but I have to admit I didn't really see the appeal. The music was boring, and everyone just stood around talking. In fact, it was so dull that one lady had fallen asleep in her crib. She was a really good sleeper. People kept going up and talking to her, but she never stirred. It's a good thing, too. Her crib was tiny. I don't know how she can roll around in it, but it was very nice. Much nicer than my crib, now that I think about it. I'll have to talk to the parents about correcting that.

I have a circular toy bench. It has toys that light up and make noises, and toys I can bop and pull. Conveniently, there is a seat right in the center so I can reach all the toys. It's a great place to go when I need to get away from the parents for a while.

Unfortunately, Daddy can't keep his hands off my toys. He's always moving them around. If I pull the blocks off my alligator and throw them over the side, he puts them back. I've explained that he's covering up the pretty buttons, but he doesn't listen.

If I push the parrot around so it's standing on its head, Daddy will spin it back. If I knock the monkeys off the top of the arch, Daddy will push them back up. I feel like I spend half my time just undoing his behavior. I really need to have a conversation with him about personal property.

When working with parents, it's always a struggle to avoid getting too far ahead of their developmental level. I have to hold myself back and realize that they're not going to catch onto concepts as quickly as I'd like. I must confess, sometimes it's really hard to be patient with them, but, honestly, I think I do better than most babies would if they had to put up with these parents.

For example, at floor level in the tall room are shelves of toys and brightly colored boxes. It's obvious to anyone that I'm supposed to play with them. Yet when Mommy or Daddy take me there, they always put me far away from the boxes. If I decide to go to them on my own, without inconveniencing the parents in any way, they'll chase me down and drag me away from them, even though I've made it quite clear that I want to stay there. I swear, sometimes it seems like they're deliberately obstructing my goals. Yet instead of punishing them, as I'd like, I just wait until they've left and then return to the boxes. Maybe, with time and training, they'll catch on. A baby can hope.

I have made a New Year's resolution for the parents. They are going to improve their physical fitness. I worry about their health. I want them to live long enough to be able to appreciate me.

I've devised a two-pronged approach to address their needs. The first prong is to work on their muscle mass. As every baby knows, muscle is essential to avoid premature aging, and also offers continual metabolic benefits. Fortunately, encourage weightlifting in the parents has turned out to be easier than I expected. I simply wait until they enter the room and then demand that they pick me up. This is usually good for a few minutes of sustained weight lifting, and I plan to gain weight as quickly as possible to aid their muscle growth.

Introducing aerobic activities into their schedule at first appeared to be a challenge. After all, if I'm making them move around, they might expect the same from me, and we can't be encouraging that. Eventually, though, I realized that I could actually integrate the aerobic benefits right into the weightlifting. The key is to grab some small trinket (a toy, a bib, or anything will do) and take it with me when I am lifted. I can then toss that object, and whine for it until the parents go and fetch it for me. I repeat this process over and over, ensuring that the parents' meet their daily activity requirements.

The parents are so lucky they have me around to take care of these things for them. I hope they realize it.

I've always prided myself on my inventiveness. It's what sets me apart from the parents. After all, when dealing with a difficult situation, thinking outside the box is an invaluable skill.

The parents often get strange ideas about who is in charge around here. The best example of this is the Hypnotizer. Ever since the parents introduced this vile device, they've acted like they're in control, giving it and taking it away at their whim. It was maddening, but what could I do? They controlled all the Hypnotizers. Or so they thought.

I decided to show them once and for all that I am more than just a pretty face. I have my wits, and I decided it was time to fight fire with fire. I would create my very own Hypnotizer.

It was difficult at first. I ruled out the toys at once. The parents control them almost as zealously as they do the Hypnotizer. Clothing was a better option. While the parents may change them from day to day, they never take them away. I tried shirts, pants, and socks, but none quite had all the qualities I wanted. I was making good progress on a bib-based hypnotizer when serendipity struck.

As I was pushing the bib-hypnotizer into my mouth, it slid out of place, leaving only my thumb. Now, I had experimented with fingers early on, but the angle wasn't quite right. Imagine my surprise when the thumb fit perfectly!

The design wasn't complete, though. Occasionally my thumb would leap from my lips without warning. I soon discovered, though, that bracing my hand with the other put a stop to this behavior. Since that time the parent's use of the hypnotizer has been ineffective. Proper order in the household has been restored.

Hello members of my adoring public. I know you want more stories, but with the parents demanding so much constant attention it's a miracle I'm able to find any time to keep you updated.

As you know, the parents really don't enjoy life the way I feel they should. I wasn't sure if there was any hope for them, but I knew I had to make an attempt. I've tried many different methods to improve their quality of life, and I wanted to let you know about my failures and successes in case you are ever forced to deal with parents of your own.

My first attempt was to give the parents some time off, in the hopes that they would use that time for personal enrichment. I set aside a few hours every night so that they could do whatever they wanted, but all they ever seemed to do with it was sleep. I blame myself. I should have known they were not capable of being left on their own, at least not yet.

Highbrow humor was equally lost on them. I tried many witty sayings and clever aphorisms, but everything clearly went right over their heads. I know many babies would become frustrated at this point, and for a moment I did despair, but I realized that if I wanted to improve the parent's lives I would have to descend to their level.

Physical humor seems to be more in the parent's range. For example, when daddy is trying to put my arm into a sleeve, he gets quite a kick out of watching me wave my arm in every direction except the direction of the sleeve. And of course, I can do the same thing with my legs, doubling the comedic potential.

Clothes changes offer many opportunities to inject levity. If I wait until the parents have changed my onesie, and then immediately spit up all over it, the parents seem to appreciate the irony and get excited by my clever interjection. The best part is, every time is just as effective as the first.

Diaper changes also provide great opportunities for physical comedy. While I was initially reluctant to engage in such lowbrow tactics, the results speak for themselves. If mommy has just taken away a completed diaper, almost any attempt at potty humor can cause her to completely lose it. If I repeat this multiple times in a row, it just becomes funnier. Soon mommy is laughing so hard she starts crying. On good days, she finds it so funny that she jumps straight to crying.

I say all that to say this: Just because something seems impossible at first, don't give up. Sometimes you just have to rethink your strategy.