I strive to be a good role model for the parents, and that includes demonstrating how to be a productive member of a family. Of course my administrative contributions alone are more than sufficient, but I feel it sets a better standard if I also contribute in some material capacity. I know I'm too generous, but I don't want the parents to think I am not pulling my weight.

To this end, I have been very attentive to the wants and needs of Mommy and Daddy. I noticed that even at the hospital they were very excited about the artwork I created in my diapers. They would check constantly to see if I had revealed any new creations, and tell the nurses all about my latest masterpieces. I figure that if my artwork makes them so happy, I should do my best to provide a constant supply. Some times I even add a little artwork to my clothing or the house, just to brighten their day a bit more.

Yet I feel that the parents are beginning to take advantage of my generosity. No sooner do I finish one work of art than they are taking it and giving me another blank canvas. Sometimes they are so eager that they try to take the diapers before I've had time to add the finishing touches, and I'm rushed to finish my art on the spot. I feel bad turning out pieces that I feel are not complete, but I guess if it makes Mommy and Daddy happy then I can forgive their impatience. Just seeing the excited looks on their faces makes it all worth it in the end.

One of the most important aspects of my job as family baby is to make sure that all relevant viewpoints are heard. Viewpoints such as "I want food" and "Pick me up now". Without someone like me to voice these messages less sensitive souls, such as the parents, may forget the plight of the needy baby in their lives.

I take my responsibilities very seriously, and practice voicing my opinion whenever injustice occurs. After all, it is vital that the parents, and (for accountability purposes) all neighbors within a thousand yards, lend their ear to my stirring oration. My speeches sometimes go on at length, but I say that if you're passionate about something then no amount of time is too much to make sure it is completely addressed.

The parents are not as democratically minded, I have discovered. As an example, last night a very important point needed to be made about how just because I had spit up my food all over Mommy did not mean that she should stop feeding me, but she and Daddy were far less supportive than I feel they should be. If you can imagine it, they actually started shushing me and, when I would not be silenced, they proceeded to attempt to trap me in a straitjacket they keep around. I say "attempt" because no one has yet built the restraint that can hold me.

As my speech grew more impassioned, I could see recognition dawning on the faces of Mommy and Daddy and, around midnight, they finally saw the righteousness of my cause. It feels good to know you've made a difference in the world.

I know I've only been here a bit over a week, but I think I arrived just in time. Mom and Dad couldn't get anything done without me. You think I exaggerate, but I seriously can't even imagine how they survived before I got here to keep them focused. They're okay as long as I stay on them, but if they think I'm not looking, they just goof off and waste time.

Mommy is always crawling off somewhere to get some sleep when she thinks I won't notice. I mean, come on. I'm a much better sleeper than she is. She should just leave that to the professionals.

Compared to Daddy, though, she's a workaholic. If I don't keep him focused on me, he just sits aimlessly staring at a glowing box, his fingers clicking randomly on the table in front of him. I honestly worry for his sanity, so if I catch him stuck in one of these trances I quickly remind him what he's supposed to be doing.

So far things have been progressing slowly. Parents are not good learners, but I'm not giving up. Just give me enough time and I'll get them whipped into shape.

I was a young teen when my mom asked me to help her in the nursery. My assignment was to hold a baby girl while she slept with a pacifier in her mouth. As a teenage boy, I had little experience with handling infants. All I remembered was being told many times to be very gentle around them. I assumed they must be easily breakable, and so I sat very still as she slept in my arms.

After about fifteen minutes, she stirred and the pacifier popped out of her lips. I knew that pacifiers kept babies asleep, so I reached up and pushed it back into her mouth. A moment later she spat up all over herself and the pacifier. I was horrified. I explained my predicament to my mother and the baby was sent back to her mother, but that was enough to convince myself that I would never be able to manage a baby. I didn't even know what I had done wrong. Did the pacifier make her spit up? Had I made her sick somehow? Babies were simply too complicated.

The experience has been brought back to my memory as I hold a different infant girl in my arm, and as she spits up at least a few times every day when I'm holding her. Yet, she doesn't appear to be broken. In fact, her normal reaction is just to smile and continue sleeping. Maybe I can manage a baby.

You're probably sitting at home wondering how you should invest your excess capital to increase your personal wealth in the uncertain days that lie ahead. Fortunately for you, I have the information you need to make your current massive stockpile of money even larger.

The key is to anticipate changes in the market and move money from dwindling markets into ones that are going to grow rapidly. There have been plenty of disruptive innovations over the past century, and those who have correctly foreseen their consequences have reaped the rewards. Today we're going to take a look at one change that will have a tremendous ripple effect: the autonomous vehicle.

Now, the core software and hardware are already spoken for, but you don't need to invent the iPhone to make a killing on iPhone cases. Let's look at a few markets that will open up when autonomous vehicles become common.

1. Hotel on Wheels - This is for those of you with very deep pockets. You'll need an agreement with a company with working autonomous driving hardware and a fleet of recreational vehicles. From there, the main problem is counting all your money. Customers spend a day sightseeing in a city of their choice, and spend the night in one of your traveling hotel rooms. When they awake, after a fitful night's sleep, they are in another tourist destination up to four hundred miles away. Naturally, you'll need to tune your autonomous vehicles so that they accelerate and decelerate smoothly. Providing room service is left as an exercise for the reader.
2. Carports - As fewer people chose to own motor vehicles, the demand for carports will skyrocket. After all, who wants to have to walk through pouring rain to get to a robot taxi? The cost on this one is quite reasonable. You'll only need metal roofing and some pillars. Since your customers are no longer paying to maintain their own cars, they'll have plenty of money to pay for the convenience your carport provides.
3. Garage Door Openers - Most homes have garages, but what good is a garage when you don't own a car? Consider it a built-in, mildly climate-controlled, carport. How do you let the robot taxi inside your garage? Waiting for the car to pull up and then opening the garage door will get tiresome. Plus, you'll have to take your garage door opener with you to open the door to let yourself back in. You could leave your garage door open permanently, but since most people keep valuable possessions inside their garages, this option will be unpopular. The answer is to allow robot taxis open your garage door when needed. The capital expensive for this option is moderate. You'll need a website, some encryption experts, and a manufacturer for programmable garage doors and openers. When your customer calls for a ride, a one-time-use code will be sent to the eligible car, allowing it to open your garage (and close it again if you're not already waiting). When you're ready to head home, another code will be generated and used the same way.

So, sit back and enjoy your new-found prosperity. The future is going to be very profitable. Unless your job in any way depends on driving a vehicle or serving people that drive them. In that case, you're probably going to want to give serious consideration to what you're doing with your life.

"Monsters should remain in the shadows, Greyfang!"

The words echoed through the empty Jefferson Memorial before being lost in the distant rumble of freeway traffic. James Stas crept around the columns, careful to keep his heavy boots from making a sound. The hem of his black coat swung freely an inch above the white stone floor. His hand gripped a large nickle-plated handgun, glowing slightly from the light of the full moon.

"My boss wants to know why you've decided to pay a visit to Washington, D.C. Come in peacefully and this won't have to turn dangerous for either of us." James carefully cocked his pistol and slid into the massive doorway. A piercing howl erupted from inside the memorial. A massive hairy form barreled toward him. James squeezed off a few shots of tranquilizers into the beast before it crashed into one of the pillars.

The force of the impact cracked the pillar and sent it tumbling down the entry stairs. The beast pulled the darts from its hide. A werewolf lord was not so easily taken. Another howl split the night. James pitched his handgun away and pulled a shotgun from under his coat. He sighted in on the glowing red eyes and pulled the trigger, but the beast dodged sideways, spittle flying in the air. A large section of white pillar disintegrated under the shotgun barrage.

As the deafening echo died away, James retreated into the center of the memorial, his back to the bronze statue of Jefferson. Greyfang's silhouette filled the entryway. James chambered a second shell and fired into the center of the dark shape. Greyfang lurched, but continued lumbering forward. He slashed at James's head. James ducked under his arm and fired another shot into the werewolf's chest. The beast growled in fury, towering over James. He lunged for the kill. "Gotcha," James thought.

As Greyfang attacked, James rolled sideways, for the first time revealing the rocket launcher hidden under the folds of his black coat. A rocket spiraled into the air and a massive explosion smashed through the enclosed space. James covered his head with his arms. The werewolf's sensitive ears were his weak point. Greyfang cowered in shock as the massive bronze statue and a shower of marble pinned him to the floor.

The extraction team was late as always, and the first hints of dawn revealed smoke rising from the severely damaged landmark. Finally an unmarked helicopter descended and came to rest near the Potomac. The pilot removed this blue and red helmet and surveyed the devastation. He'd ran extractions for James before.

"What happened here?" he asked.

"The werewolf lord has agreed to our terms. He will come with us for questioning. You'll find him inside."

The crew of the helicopter pulled their supplies for restraining a werewolf and rushed into the building. James climbed into the co-pilot's seat and relaxed. His record of successful negotiations continued.

While the large Galilean spoke, the morning sacrifice began ((Acts 2:15)). Many of the Jews walked away from this strange spectacle to perform their religious duty. Others, when they heard Peter mention the name Jesus, walked away as well. They could feel the stares of the priests and didn't want to be risk being associated with a convicted heretic ((Mark 14:64)).

Some stayed. They wanted to hear more. The news of Jesus had spread around the Jewish world. His strange ways had captivated many. Could there be more to the story, as this man claimed ((Acts 2:24))?

"You know the scriptures. Our father David said: 'You did not leave my soul in Sheol. You did not let your holy one see corruption.' ((Acts 2:25,27)) I think I can speak freely to you, since we are all the family of Abraham." The crowd leaned closer, curious to hear whether this man would defy their honored ancestor. "David's tomb is here in this very city. You know that he died ((Acts 2:29)), and if we cracked open his tomb I think we all would see that he has indeed decayed."

"Then why would David say such a thing? Could it be that he wasn't talking about himself? We all know he was a prophet, and he knew that God would one day set the Messiah on his throne ((Acts 2:30)). He knew that the Messiah, the son of David, would be resurrected, rather than abandoned to decay in the grave ((Acts 2:31)). I declare to you that I am a witness that God has done this very thing for his servant Jesus! ((Acts 2:32))"

And lo, it was on that day that the son of eagles did consider of his openMosix cluster, and took from it the best, the head node, and did present it as a sacrifice unto lord Bob. For, in that dark time, the lord Bob had but one device of computing, yet for the troubleshooting of the network Pong program he did require another. With no thought to his own recompense, the faithful Nate did offer up his head node and his offering was pleasing unto Bob. And thus, with the head node in his right hand, the lord Bob slew therewith the requirements of his graduation. Let all celebrate on this day that Nate has performed a worthy service to the realm. It shall forever live in our memories. Let it be so.

Citizens, I know you are all quite anxious to begin your enjoyment of this most holy and blessed week of Nate month, but I feel that the events of last year must be addressed. While the idea to dress a manatee in a cape and fly him around the city using a construction crane was certainly in the spirit of Nate month, the clean-up costs were quite substantial. Also, there has been a suggestion that parts of the activity may have violated workplace safety regulations. While I would never urge restraint during such a festive occasion, I must ask you to consider whether any parts of your celebration could violate local ordinances, and, if so, to delay those activities until the last day of Nate month to avoid interfering with official proceedings. Thank you for your attention.

Last week I read a very interesting article. I know you probably don't have the time or inclination to read it, so here's a quick summary: A young man from Denver, Colorado was arrested and jailed for armed robbery. After ten years in prison, he comes home a changed man. He starts a family, finds a good job, and becomes involved in his community. After five years of freedom, he is told that his release was a mistake, and he is re-arrested and carried back to prison, where he is to remain for at least the next forty years.

The article raises many interesting questions for me. It highlights the dangers of overly broad applications of existing laws. It shows how handing out punishment without discretion can be good politics but cause terrible pain. It begs the question of whether harsh sentencing actually creates worse criminals. Would it be better to give shorter sentences, or at least early parole possibilities to younger offenders, so that they can have the chance to use their prison time to prepare for a better life? Could showing grace to criminals cause some of them to change their ways? However, one thing has really haunted me.

At the very end of the article the imprisoned man is being interviewed at the jail. He says that the reason why he's back in prison is because he failed God while on the outside. He gives a few examples, which include coaching a soccer team some Sundays instead of attending church services, not praying often enough, and not studying the Bible regularly. I feel for him. For most of my life I viewed every setback as a sign that I was failing God in some way. It was easy enough, whenever things went wrong in my life, to find an instance of my own moral failings in the not-so-distant past.

Over the past few years, though, I've begun to question that viewpoint. It's not that I think sin doesn't matter. Rather, I think sin is its own punishment. I hope that someone in that prison can tell this man that cutting him off from his family and community is not God's method of encouraging greater faithfulness. The fact is that we live in a broken and decaying world, filled with the fruit of mankind's evil. Bad things happen to the faithful. Sometimes, it seems like they suffer more.

If suffering from evil deepen our relationship with the one who rescued us, that is a wonderful thing, but we shouldn't think that was the intention. We have an enemy who wants to destroy us, mind, body, and soul, and we have a savior who wants to restore his entire creation. Sometimes we make progress toward that goal, and manifest his kingdom on earth. Other times the world attacks and destroys something beautiful. Either way, we press on, not because we fear God's whip on our backs, but because we long for the day when all the world will see him face to face.