When we bought our house there was a rose bush in the front yard. I'll call it was a bush, because I hear that's what roses come from, but it resembled a tree. It had a single stem that was about eleven feet high. It gave us a few of roses the first summer, and also scratched me every time I tried to mow near it.

I talked to other people about pruning it back, and they all agreed that was an excellent idea. It would help the plant produce more roses, instead of wasting so much energy on maintaining a ridiculously long stem. I was no gardener, so I was a bit reluctant to do the work myself, but I was a homeowner now and everyone told me "There's no way to over-trim a rose. They're very hardy plants." So, during the winter, I cut the stems to what I felt was a more reasonable length.

The plant hasn't produced a rose in three years.

I've heard a theory that parents can learn sign language. In fact, that it's easier for them than spoken words. Seeing as I've had almost no luck teaching them to speak or understand proper words, I decided to give it a shot.

The trickiest part, so far, has been deciding what signs to teach them. I need to cover all the important concepts, but the parents aren't smart enough to handle many new things at once. I decided to start with a few simple signs that even a parent should comprehend.

One concept the parents have trouble with is knowing when I'm summoning them. To address this deficiency I created a simple gesture where I extend one hand and turn it so the palm is upward. I've been combining this with words as well, in the hopes they'll get the connection, and also because sometimes they aren't looking at me, if you can imagine such a thing. If they do not respond immediately, I open and close my fingers to indicate urgency.

Once they have been summoned, I need to convey additional information. For example, if they are to pick me up, I will extend both hands upwards. They're a bit slow on this one, so I am often forced to grab their hands and pull before they get the message. Still, I think they're making progress.

If I require food, I make an opening and closing motion with my mouth. Conveniently enough, this makes a popping noise which can be useful for getting the parents' attention, though it occasionally inspires them to mimic the sign. It can be hard to get them focused again after that.

If I want a toy that is out of my reach, I make a sign by extending my hand towards it and making a gripping motion. The parents are still a bit slow on this, and I am often reduced to getting the toy for myself. Even when they do notice the sign, they have a bad habit of retrieving the wrong toy. I have created a sign for this as well, where I place the toy in my hand and then wave my arm back and forth rapidly, releasing the toy at some point. Then I have to start from the beginning.

The final sign I've been trying to teach the parents is when I wish to be placed in my crib. At first I tried placing the back of my hand to my eyelids, but I think that was too subtle for them. Recently I've taken to adding an additional sign that they cannot ignore. I will extend both arms to the side and wave them rapidly all around. Time will tell if that's still too subtle.

Have any of you babies out there tried sign-language with your parents? What signs did you use, and how successful were your parents at picking them up?

The Krypton Cougars utilized a bold new strategy for this year's robotics competition, and arrived at the arena with a machine that was neither mechanically complete nor programmed. I wasn't in the arena the first evening and morning, with its flurry of activity, but I was kept in the loop via text message. The first problem brought to my attention was an old friend from previous seasons. Once our robot's radio was configured for use with the field, we could no longer connect to the robot from our laptops.

This doesn't seem to impact other teams. Perhaps they prepare their computer properly ahead of time, or maybe most teams just don't do much programming after their robot is configured to go on the field. It stood directly in the way of the Krypton Cougars's bold plan, however. In a stroke of brilliance, the team mounted a second radio on the robot, one for the field and another set up like we had at home. They stacked them, to make reading the signal lights as difficult as possible. Before each match, they would unplug one radio and plug in the other. After each match, they reversed the process. I'd like to say this arrangement didn't cause them any problems, but that would be very misleading.

Having solved their radio difficulties, they were free to complete their robot. While driving toward Philadelphia the morning of the competition, I received a text message informing me that the arm on the front of the robot could move up, but never down. After walking the programmers through common troubleshooting steps, I asked them to describe the blink pattern on the affected motor controller. They reported that when the arm wasn't moving it showed red lights, blinking in sequence: A limit switch was being triggered.

When the robot was designed, I hoped there would be limit switches at the top and bottom limits of the arms, both to avoid the arms moving beyond their expected range and to allow us to recalibrate the position periodically. The team had wired limit switches to the motor controllers, but attaching them to the robot had been left for some future date that never materialized. Instead, the limit switches were bundled up and dropped into the interior of the robot. The solder on one limit switch had been poorly applied, and the wires disconnected. Rather than fix the switch, the team tossed the loose wires in with the rest. Deep inside the belly of the robot, these wires had managed to cross, creating a short-circuit that was being read as a closed limit switch. Once these wires were separated, the arm moved downward with ease.

Kelly and I arrived at the high school shortly after noon. The parking lot was crowded, but we eventually found a space far from the school, where we unloaded our lifetime supply of baby gear and braved the bitter cold. Once Kelly and Miranda were safely in the arena, I headed for the pits.

By this time we had already had our first match, where our robot had put on a notable performance by spinning counterclockwise for the entire length of the match. While this had provided the spectators with much needed amusement, our team felt it was not a viable long-term strategy. There are many reasons why a robot might drive in a circle, but to continue doing so without input is rather unusual. We hypothesized it was caused by a sensor on the drive base not returning the correct speed. Rather than investigate the nature of the failure and correct it, we opted to turn off the sensors on the wheels and hope for the best.

This strategy was immediately successful. Without its sensors the robot drove in a straight line. Since the robot no longer knew its own speed, it went full force at all times, much like the students driving it. In fact, they were so excited by their new-found driving capabilities that they forgot the rules of the game and racked up twenty-five penalty points in their next match.

Up to this point in the competition, the robot's arms had been restrained with bungee cords until they could be tested …

Showbread recently released their final album, and with it, an experimental movie based on their previous album, Cancer. As expected, the movie is a bit of a head-scratcher. It takes a few viewings to pick up on what is going on (I still don't understand a lot of it, but I think that's the idea), and I imagine it would be even more confusing for those who don't already know the music.

Additionally, the movie's core characters make up a punk rock band that frequently screams their lyrics in unintelligible fervor, which makes things even less approachable for "outsiders". In the hope that I could show this movie to friends without having them miss the lyrics, I took some time to subtitle the movie. I'd like to make these captions available for others who are also interested in showing Cancer to the uninitiated.

I used FFmpeg to add the subtitle file to the movie. It is available for Mac, Linux, and Windows, though I only know that my instructions work on Linux. If you need to change something on another platforms, leave a comment about it and I'll update my instructions accordingly.

1. Download the caption file to the same directory as Cancer.

2. Go to that directory in your command line (terminal)

3. Run the following command:

   ffmpeg -i Cancer.mp4 -f srt -i Cancer.srt -codec copy -c:s mov_text Cancer-subbed.mp4
   

   (If your files have different names, make sure to update the command appropriately.)

4. When watching Cancer in your favorite media player, turn on captions.

And that's all there is. I hope this helps someone. Enjoy.

I went to a party today with the parents. Normally the only place we go during the day is the store, so it was a nice change of pace. Mommy and Daddy dressed up in funny clothes. Daddy tied a big tag around his neck for me to pull. I think he should wear it more often. They put funny clothes on me too. I guess we're bonding.

I'm glad that the parents are socializing, but I have to admit I didn't really see the appeal. The music was boring, and everyone just stood around talking. In fact, it was so dull that one lady had fallen asleep in her crib. She was a really good sleeper. People kept going up and talking to her, but she never stirred. It's a good thing, too. Her crib was tiny. I don't know how she can roll around in it, but it was very nice. Much nicer than my crib, now that I think about it. I'll have to talk to the parents about correcting that.

I have a circular toy bench. It has toys that light up and make noises, and toys I can bop and pull. Conveniently, there is a seat right in the center so I can reach all the toys. It's a great place to go when I need to get away from the parents for a while.

Unfortunately, Daddy can't keep his hands off my toys. He's always moving them around. If I pull the blocks off my alligator and throw them over the side, he puts them back. I've explained that he's covering up the pretty buttons, but he doesn't listen.

If I push the parrot around so it's standing on its head, Daddy will spin it back. If I knock the monkeys off the top of the arch, Daddy will push them back up. I feel like I spend half my time just undoing his behavior. I really need to have a conversation with him about personal property.

Have you ever gone outside the city gate and looked down on Ben Hinnom? Have you seen all the waste from the city that is thrown there? It is a noxious place, filled with worms and vermin. Fires rage though the trash heaps, and the smell of its burning and rot turn the stomach. Have you seen there, in the valley, the high places of Topheth, where the pagans sneak off to sacrifice their own family members to secure worldly advantage?

I haven't seen certain members of your family recently. I thought perhaps they were busy elsewhere, or maybe they had decided to leave the city, but now I have seen their corpses rotting in Topheth, and I can no longer deny the reality. You have followed after the pagans, and I can go no further with you.

I would prefer to stay in the familiarity of the city with you. I have thoughts of turning you back from destruction, but I have been warned against this day. Already I see the abomination that causes desolation standing in the temple, and I must take my family and flee to the mountains, stopping to take nothing. I do not leave you in anger, but with the deepest turmoil in my heart. I can see that the siege engines are not far off.

I will pray that the siege does not last long, and that you are not reduced to eating the flesh of your brothers and sisters, but I fear that my prayers will not be enough. I know you will fight to hold your place, no matter how far you must debase yourself. I also know that eventually your walls will be breached, and enemy soldiers will dump your body into Ben Hinnom with the rest. I regret that it has come to this. I will miss you.

When working with parents, it's always a struggle to avoid getting too far ahead of their developmental level. I have to hold myself back and realize that they're not going to catch onto concepts as quickly as I'd like. I must confess, sometimes it's really hard to be patient with them, but, honestly, I think I do better than most babies would if they had to put up with these parents.

For example, at floor level in the tall room are shelves of toys and brightly colored boxes. It's obvious to anyone that I'm supposed to play with them. Yet when Mommy or Daddy take me there, they always put me far away from the boxes. If I decide to go to them on my own, without inconveniencing the parents in any way, they'll chase me down and drag me away from them, even though I've made it quite clear that I want to stay there. I swear, sometimes it seems like they're deliberately obstructing my goals. Yet instead of punishing them, as I'd like, I just wait until they've left and then return to the boxes. Maybe, with time and training, they'll catch on. A baby can hope.

I have made a New Year's resolution for the parents. They are going to improve their physical fitness. I worry about their health. I want them to live long enough to be able to appreciate me.

I've devised a two-pronged approach to address their needs. The first prong is to work on their muscle mass. As every baby knows, muscle is essential to avoid premature aging, and also offers continual metabolic benefits. Fortunately, encourage weightlifting in the parents has turned out to be easier than I expected. I simply wait until they enter the room and then demand that they pick me up. This is usually good for a few minutes of sustained weight lifting, and I plan to gain weight as quickly as possible to aid their muscle growth.

Introducing aerobic activities into their schedule at first appeared to be a challenge. After all, if I'm making them move around, they might expect the same from me, and we can't be encouraging that. Eventually, though, I realized that I could actually integrate the aerobic benefits right into the weightlifting. The key is to grab some small trinket (a toy, a bib, or anything will do) and take it with me when I am lifted. I can then toss that object, and whine for it until the parents go and fetch it for me. I repeat this process over and over, ensuring that the parents' meet their daily activity requirements.

The parents are so lucky they have me around to take care of these things for them. I hope they realize it.

The following will include a lot of spoilers for The Force Awakens. If you haven't seen it yet, you might want to avoid reading further. It could also potentially have spoilers for Episode VIII, but that's only if I'm really lucky. On the other hand, my previous prediction wasn't that far off.

The question that is currently lighting up discussion after seeing the The Force Awakens is "Didn't we see this movie forty year ago?" But once that is dealt with, the next questions are about Rey, the new heroine with a "classified" background. Who is she, and how does she relate to the Star Wars universe we already know? I'd like to take my best stab at solving this conundrum.

One popular theory is that Rey is Han and Leia's child, who they hid from her brother, Kylo Ren, on Jakku. Leaving a child on a desert planet is certainly Star Wars-ish enough, but there are several problems. The most obvious is that Han and Leia don't acknowledge her when they meet. Even if her appearance has changed, an orphan girl from Jakku with latent Force abilities should have rang some bells. I'm saying this scenario is unlikely.

A second theory is that she is Luke Skywalker's daughter. After all, she is very powerful with the Force, something that was never obvious in Leia. We don't know if Luke recognizes her at the end of the movie. The resigned look he gives her could be either "So the situation has finally come to this" or "I had hoped you wouldn't get involved." Having seen Ben Solo fall to the Dark Side, Luke could have hidden her away while he went on the dangerous quest for the first Jedi temple. If he hid Rey without Han and Leia knowing about it, their lack of acknowledgement makes more sense, since they might have thought she had gone into exile with Luke. However, leaving your only child all alone on an inhospitable planet seems wrong. When Luke was left on Tatooine, he was left with his family and Obi-Wan stayed nearby. There's a possibility that the old man we met at the start of the movie could have been watching over her from afar, but that doesn't change the fact that in her day-to-day existence she is completely unprotected.

Of course, it could all just be coincidence. Not every Force user in the galaxy needs to be a Skywalker. Maybe she is simply a Force-sensitive child who was abandoned by her otherwise unimportant parents, as the movie would have us believe. That could be possible if it weren't for one glaring inconsistency: Kylo Ren knows her. As soon as he hears about a girl from Jakku being involved, he flies into a rage. At the end of the movie, he even offers to complete her training. Clearly they have a history, which leads to my favorite theory.

Rey is the daughter of Han and Leia, the sister of Kylo Ren. Supreme Leader Snoke is not unaware of the power in the Skywalker line, and orders his new protégé to kidnap his sister and kill the other Jedi. Kylo complies, but, in his jealousy, realizes that his sister may surpass him and take his place with Snoke. The Light Side won't let him simply murder her, so he uses the Force to lock away her memories and maroons her on Jakku. Snoke believes her lost, an unavoidable casualty of Kylo's attack on the Jedi, and nothing stands in Kylo's path to greatness.

Even though she is Han and Leia's daughter, they don't recognize her because they believe she was slaughtered along with the other Jedi. They never expect to see her again. Probably every young woman they meet looks like their daughter to them.

When Kylo hears that a young woman from Jakku has suddenly become a part of the quest for the map, he realizes that leaving her alive has come back to haunt him. His pursuit of the map turns into a pursuit of his sister, but when he captures her, she is the one who gains the upper hand. Kylo finds himself caught in his own lies and things …